If you’re searching the internet for cool birthday gifts, it’s safe to assume that you want the recipient to still remember what you’re giving them by their next birthday, yes? Good. A good man and/or woman does not have time for forgettable giftery.

Lucky for the real givers out there, we’ve combed those nets for the best gifts ever to never make it onto a rational person’s birthday wish list. After a rundown of five examples of quirky, cool birthday gifts that may present opportunities depending on the relationships in your life, we’ll highlight the best gift ever, for everyone, ever.

Enjoy!

5 Cool Birthday Ideas

1. MSI GeForce RTX 2070 Super Gaming Card

MSI is a computer-gaming company. They don’t make the games, just the hardware that makes the games playable. The best thing about MSI is that, as they state on their website, “MSI will always stand by your side for every battles [sic].” That’s integrity. It’s also the lyrics to most Boyz II Men songs, which is almost definitely usually good.

This particular (super) gaming card comes with three cooling fans and ray tracing. What’s ray tracing? A feature that makes Minecraft look like it came out at least two years after it did. It makes the guy in this MSI commercial forget that he can’t move into Minecraft, even after his lease is up.

The MSI GeForce RTX 2070 Super Gaming Card is, obviously, not a one-of-a-kind gift. But according to at least one commercial, it’s better than all the other things that also do what it does.

2. An Audio Cassette of Your Favorite Recipes

Some years ago, a Connecticut woman named Karen made an audio cassette of her favorite recipes for her macularly degenerating mother. It seems that her mother’s macula had done up such a degeneration job that the poor woman could no longer read cookbooks.

Thus, Karen took the time to speak into a tape recorder, one that presumably could have come from Rite Aid, about what she hoped her blind mother would make the next few times they got together for dinner and treats. According to Karen’s testimonial, there was one recipe for chicken marsala and at least two each for “cakes and cookies”.

This story highlights the main trouble with gaming cards — super or not — that come with three or more cooling fans: ladies with grown children and dissolving eyes can’t use them. If the person you want to give the best gift ever to can’t see but can still digest, consider skipping the obvious video-game choice and going with something more organic: your own birthday wish list, stored in a medium that reminds your loved one of the good ol’ days.

3. Potato Parcel

The problem with mailing personalized potatoes is that most of us have to either use a Sharpie or settle for a mutilated potato that looks like an angry high schooler carved our message into its skin. Such things rarely come off as loving, let alone romantic.

However, because there is still genuine goodness to be found in our precious universe, the Potato Parcel company is here to etch a message of your choice into the face of any potato wide enough to fit the letters. There is a reason the ancient Greeks did not send calligraphized vegetables to each other on special occasions but, if history has taught us anything, it’s that we don’t know what that reason is.

Set your potato apart from the other potatoes by having it delivered in a burlap potato sack, a cardboard box with a teaser on it, or else a different kind of cardboard box that looks a little bit like it’s made out of gold.

4. Something for their Dogs

“When you don’t know what to get somebody, get somebody something for their dogs. Anybody who gets you anything for your dogs, you love them.”  –Oprah Winfrey

Oprah is the world-record holder for number of one-of-a-kind gifts. Most of us never give a one-of-a-kind gift. Some of us do once; only a very special few of us learn enough about life to do it with any consistency. Oprah Winfrey is the Michael Jordan of one-of-a-kind gifting.

But even Oprah knows we can’t all be like her. Warren Buffett advises the masses to keep it simple by investing in low-cost index funds and, similarly, Oprah assures us that if we can just find a way to give our friends pet supplies, everything is going to be more or less alright.

Of course, if you find yourself looking for cool birthday gifts for the sort of person who does not have dogs, you have two choices. Obviously, the first is to give them a dog. Every dog is by definition a one-of-a-kind gift, or else there is nothing like a “soul”. The second is to give them a color copy of your own birthday wish list and play the rest by ear.

5. Duct Tape

The other gifts on this list are nice; this one is important. It’s fun talking about quirky gifts and what the best gift ever is, but if your ducts come undone, you’ll find yourself with a wet, potentially unreadable, one-item birthday wish list: 

• New Ducts

Especially for older family members who are on fixed incomes and may not be able to afford an investment in a whole new ducting system, this gift is perfect for restoring a sort of provisional peace of mind, which is central to enjoying anything else, especially other gifts.

Key Considerations for One of a Kind Gifts

Occasionally, you’ll find a one-of-a-kind gift that explodes when proper precautions are not taken. When possible, avoid this kind of gift.

Ordering the Best Gift Ever with Tall Tribute

A gaming card — super or not — is niche. An analog voice recording of your favorite foods is even more niche. And no potato is wide enough to do what even roses can’t.

If your friend having a birthday doesn’t have dogs but does have a good HVAC company, there is only one remaining option: the priceless gift of a loving song about them. We can’t all be R&B singers’ girlfriends. As a sad result, many of us get to our final birthday having never received the one-of-a-kind gift of a song of our own.

When the graphics hardware, magnetic tape and all other cool birthday gifts are given, let’s give each other a song about the very best things in us, yeah? The best gift ever is a personal tribute song that’s written in love. But you knew that. Click here to get one started.